Perhaps

If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Proverbs 24:10

My strength is small. I don't think I could say any truer statement than that [unless its 'God is Lord and He loves me'] My strength is small, thus I faint. The adversity is not simply circumstantial but internal. Knowing myself, it is no surprise that my first response to the internal adversity/hurt is to run. It is also no surprise that I have not the foggiest clue where to run. I know nothing and feel everything. I faint. A place of employment, a place to worship, a place of comfort within a community of friends: these things I still patiently seek. They are superfluous to the adversity. I have no strength, not for the most mundane seasons of waiting and not for the intense internal battles. I faint continually. But that is old news; I have always been a mixture of surety with doubt underneath, distress with joy, and peace with restlessness. Nothing is ever perfect, nor will it be 'till heaven.

Tomorrow is another chapter, perhaps one that reads, ‘this hurt has past and a respite is granted until the next one; the path is clear once again and the will of God is being enacted; the faintness has worn off and the joy of the Lord is strengthening.’

His mercies are new, always.

His lovingkindness endures, forever.

tire

If there's one pervasive lie from my childhood still hanging around its this: that no-one is going to take care of me except myself. While theologically and spiritually I know this to be false, I still operate practically as if its a reality. In some cases, this can lead me to a state of preparedness which can be useful. I was driving home from the airport Saturday night, on one of Dallas busy freeways, dark, through an industrial section of the city, when I ran over some nasty thing that shredded my tire. I pulled over into the grass put my hazards on and rolled up my sleeves. I've had flat tires before, I know how to change one, so I just got to it. I jacked the car slightly, pulled the spare out, grabbed the tire iron and proceeded to take the lug-nuts off. I only got one. For the life of me, I could not loosen the last three. They were too tight and I was not strong enough, even though I practically threw my body on the tire-iron.

I was so frustrated. There I was with all the right know-how and all the right tools and it came down to a matter of strength. I wasn't strong enough. I needed help.

I wonder how many times spiritually I do this. I have the know-how and all the right tools, the steps, the principles in the Word, the picture of what I ought to be. So I roll up my sleeves and get to it - except, I'm simply not strong enough. I can not change myself. I need help.

I still don't have a job. I've been in this place before so I'm not anxious or worried. I know that God will provide, He always has. So I've just been waiting it out. But I realized something thanks to the encouragement of Becky (I had met her at the airport for a chat and coffee while she had a short lay-over) God doesn't have us wait for no reason. This time isn't simply a filler. There is a purpose in the waiting and I hadn't ever thought to ask Him about it. Why? Why God - do you have me waiting? As Becky put it: I need to climb up on the operating table and lie still so He can get to work. I've been here content but not asking why He wants me here. There's a reason.

So I've been learning. Hopefully, I'll continue to learn, no matter how hard or how easy - however He wants and whatever He wants. We'll have to wait and see :-] For now, at least I have a new tire. :-] never settle.