It’s funny that Nettie posted about rain today when my intention was to do the same. :-] When I was little, I loved storms. I use to climb to the top of the tree in our front yard, wrap my little body around the flimsiest limb and let myself be tossed by the wind. From such a vantage point, I could see the storm rolling in across the horizon. My mother would often come tearing out of the house shouting at me to come inside before I got struck by lightening or catch cold, both of which I thought were absurd possibilities.

Tuesday it poured rain. I left work early to stay with my mom (she had surgery on her rotator cuff) and got caught without an umbrella. It had been so long since I took a walk in the sweet coolness of the rain – such things, along with tree climbing, are generally frowned upon in adult life. So I turned my head towards the sky and let myself be drenched as I walked to the car. Wet and satisfied, I drove home and changed before heading to my parents house 45 minutes away. The entire drive was marked by a squall so intense, I could barely see. Even though I was shivering, turning the heat on would’ve fogged up my windows to the point of zero visibility, so I toughed it out.

Slowly, ever so slowly, as the day waned, I began to sniffle….and cough…and ached…and my head began to hurt….and…oh no!! For the first time in my life, I actually 'caught cold' from the rain.

Now I’m suffering through the day struggling to breathe, willing my cognitive abilities to function and drinking mint tea like an addict – anything to keep me alert – anything to help me get through till 5 O’clock. Somehow though, it's worth it.

Romans 6:1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?
Romans 6:15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!

When thinking of grace in terms of Christ, I often feel that He gives me too much, or rather, that I often abuse it by sinning. Instead of more grace, I think perhaps I need a little more correction [dare I pray for discipline?] that I would not, at every turn, defame His name [which is far more Holy than we, conveniently, care to remember.]

Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
Hebrews 13:9 it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace.

When thinking of grace in terms of people, I’ve come to feel a gapping void. People are never hesitant to defend their rightness or propel their opinions, to sharpen my iron or “help” me with correction, even on the subject above, admonishing me to receive more grace from God. I saw my best friend for the first time in years and found myself unexpectedly crying in the presence of grace from her. The contrast brought in to focus a reality that in most of my relationships here, even the close ones, I don't receive much grace.

Yes, I can take teasing and give it right back; I can laugh at my own mistakes or be stretched in my thinking or corrected in my errors. But it leaves me wilting like a plant thirsty for what appears to rare.

I long for kindness.

fractured

What is it to hope? My life used to be full of beginnings and then it became full of endings. I’ve learned that all things go. To borrow an analogy from Sheldon, you cannot experience the whole of a symphony until the last note is played and the moment which you experience the whole of it, is also the moment it ends. You cannot be in the whole of anything. You can only move through the parts.

Fractured is the word she used. It fit. You stand in a room full of friends and they know you but they haven’t lived what you have lived and that experience is isolating. You are lost at home.

What is it to hope? I now see each new beginning in terms of its end and in that light it feels pointless to start. Hesitation replaces hope. Can I live off obedience? Does it hold enough meaning to sustain me?

In that hesitation, I only take two steps when I’m capable of five. I hold back so when the end comes the fracturing is minimized. If I don’t admit to being capable of more then failing to reach it won’t matter. I wear weakness on my sleeve as a way to excuse mediocrity.

Despondency is just another way to despise grace.

art

People at work tell me that I dress artsy. But I'm not artsy, creative possibly, but not artsy...otherwise, I would get this, but I don't. :-] hehe.

http://nest-rotterdam.nl/17-1.html

Our Eternity

I just received book I & II of Bach's The Well Tempered Clavier. :-]

I finally have a restored sense of energy and in my infirmary rediscovered reading and Earl Grey tea and quiet moments.

The book has left me with alot of thoughts to contemplate. To name a few: having a heart of obedience, seeking timeless moments of glory and beauty [timeless moments themselves are not enough for I have had plenty of ugly moments which seem to go on forever] and how that seeking is really a veiled longing for eternity.

Perhaps because I had just read the book and these thougths filled my mind, I was struck by a sense that I am one of "the longing ones." Like Tolkein's hobbits and men and elves and dwarves that make up and play a role in middle earth, many types comprise the Kingdom of God. I immediately thought of Samantha, Nathan, Jeanette; we are the longing ones of His Kingdom. I was praying for one of them last night and realized that the prayer could be applied to us each.

For the Kingdom sake, I could not pray for the longing to end because it keeps us seeking. I prayed for Him to take our hand as we seek, for we are prone to look down shallow alleyways and useless avenues. I prayed that our hearts would be obedient - I think longing ones have such loyalty and tenacity but in that our wills sneak about and build strength and end up betraying us. Lastly, I prayed that we would remember, in our endless pursuit of timelessness and beauty and glory that they are clues and not the prize. Follow the way of Christ. He is our eternity.

past all measure

http://www.8notes.com/mp3/9765.asp
It haunts me everytime. I hope I can do it justice.

I'm in the midst of reading A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. Since I was ill most of the weekend, between sleeping, I did alot of reading. This book is also haunting...and delightful.

"This idea of the burden of possessions we held to - and years later when we got our first glossy new car, we hit it severly with a hammar to make it comfortably dented."

"'How could an idiotic universe have produced creatures whose mere dreams are so much stronger, better, subtler than itself?'"

"The position was not, as I had been comfortably thinking all these months, merely a question of whether I was to accept the Messiah or not. It was a question of whether I was to accept Him - or reject."

"If it isn't just a meaningless form of words, I suppose my heart broke that night. It really means, though, loving past all measure."

~never settle~

foot cramps

I think I'm all wedding-d out. I didn't think it was possible but perhaps the cramps in my foot from dancing are telling me more than I realize :-]. Can I take a sabbatical from weddings? It's almost like an addiction, going to them, being in them, helping with them, playing the piano for them, organizing them. I can't say no. I think I'm developing a love-hate relationship with weddings. Every wedding is such a beautiful experience in and of itself but everything surrounding the wedding is exhausting, insane, and a whirlwind of emotions and tasks. If I ever get to the point where I'm supposed to have one myself - I may just go to the courthouse! :-]

The Problem of Evil

A knock on the door and he waited. With a creek of a hinge, the atmosphere parted, sliced by a bullet and she fell. Last week’s custody battle flitted across her mind as she stared into the face of her husband. Evil came and left its mark of agony—Death.

Romans 5:12: “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.”

We feel it in our hearts. We see it on the news, in the faces of our friends, and in our own portraits; evil penetrates every corner of life as an insidious cancer entwined into our cells. Like Lori’s husband, it betrays us. We open the door to sin and find death tearing our flesh.

Sheer determination fails. Man’s best attempt at extracting evil never fully works. We cannot change ourselves. Weak and entangled, all men continue to sin and death continues to spread. Hope is not found inside.

There is a Man who walked the earth uninfected with evil, who did not succumb to its betrayal and who, having felt the tear of flesh at the hand of death, defied it by rising from the grave. Evil could not mark Him with it's agony. Only He can eviscerate evil from the hearts of mankind and destroy it forever. He is the Son of God who takes away the sin of the world. He is your rescue, both here and coming.

Hold on.

I was commissioned to write a devo based on the scripture above.