love

I walk past her door, see her sprawled out surrounded by books and think, "I love my sister." Once upon a time, I looked into the face of man and thought, "I love him." The first instance was a safe contented feeling, the second was scary as hell. The first was yesterday, the second, many years ago. But now, as then, I stumble at love.

I know that love is more than a warm and rushing feeling inside [I John 3:18 do not let us love in word or in tongue but in deed and in truth]. Love is action. And this is where I stumble. I think to myself, "I love my sister." But then what? How do I do love? What action does love for her take? At this question, I am overcome with lostness. I don't know. I know how to feel love, but not love. I missed a memo, somewhere, that my parents should've given me, but they didn't. They couldn't because they didn't know themselves and I am left with the task of knowing for both of us. The learning curve is too large to handle.

The picture is much bigger than my sister or my parents or even perhaps one day my husband. In not knowing how to love, I don't know how to love Christ either. "God I love you." I say in my prayers, then I proceed to act all day in self love. Am I not supposed to be a new creature? The kind capable of love or at least a conduit of His love? How do I prevent this from happening over and over and over? How do I love God today? Do I think kind thoughts? Do I smile and care about how others are doing? Do I work as fast and well as I possibly can? Why does it not seem enough? Why do I come home and know, inside, that I haven't really loved at all - anything - perhaps, not even my own self?

Jesus loved. Jesus acted: He healed, He forgave, He died. I'm not Jesus. John says, we love Him because He first loved us. Okay. That's the why but not the what or even the how.

Matthew, Jesus says to Peter: "Do you love me? Feed my sheep."
Revelation 3:19 "Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent."
John 15:10 "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love."
I John 3:16 "We know love by this that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."

Somehow, I still feel lost.

Thanksgiving

How I spent thanksgiving part 1:

Hero

And suddenly her former colour changed/And here and there her eyes through anger ranged/And like a planet, moving several ways/At one self instant she, poor soul, assays/Loving, not to love at all, and every part/Strove to resist the motions of her heart/And hands so pure, so innocent, nay, such/As might have made heaven stoop to have a touch/Did she uphold to Venus, and again/Vowed spotless chastity, but all in vain/Cupid beats down her prayers with his wings/Her vows above the empty air he flings/All deep enraged, his sinewy bow he bent/And shot a shaft that burning from him went/Wherewith she strooken, looked so dolefully/As made love sigh to see his tyranny/And as she wept her tears to pearl he turned/And wound them on his arm and for her mourned.

Bella

I went to see this movie with Christine Bassett last night and it was good! I had to bring some kleenex (though its not necessarily a tear-jerker) Be careful the reviews you read, though, some of them spoiled the plot. We felt like it would've been alot more powerful if we hadn't read the review in World Magazine which gave away a particularly moving development. The basic premise is that a once world famous soccer player, now haunted by his past, befriends a pregnant girl named Nina and the resulting journey they go on, both internally and externally (though more internally) traveling independently and yet together. The music is beautiful, the screen shots and cinematography is interesting, not necessarily my favorite, but how they did the timeline of the plot and how they focused on character development heavily instead of plot development was nicely done. It has some non-cheesy true and profound points about family. I also felt like it did a good job of capturing the mexican-american culture [not that I would be an expert on that] It did so almost accidently as if it was unintentional but a natural outflow of how well the film was done.

You should see it. :-) I give it two thumbs up!

liberty

My friend Brad got married and the clog in my throat was bigger than I expected. He was a particular sort of friend to me so I get all choked up when I think of him getting married to such a spectacular girl and all the joy in store for him. If I could, I think I would give everyone I know and love, the thing their heart desires. Perhaps that's why its so difficult to understand the biblical concept that God gives people what is best for them and what is best is not always happy. This concept is no less difficult to understand in myself than when I helplessly observe it in others.

I am a problem-solver. My friend just renamed her blog - describing how she no longer wanders but follows. When confronted by non-happiness and the frustrating inability to solve, I am forced to follow and find by hap stance that I no longer wander. When confronted by overwhelming joy, such as that when watching Brad marry, I willingly follow and cease to wander. Isn't is amazing that in both cases, God is at work to bring me to Him?

There are veins of religious thought which are in essence humanism veiled in theological terms. The over arching goal is the happiness of man and God is the means. One preacher said that the only difference between secularism and modern Christianity is that one focuses on the happiness of man while living and the other focuses on the happiness of man after he dies. Both are betrayals of the truth. Humanism is at direct odds with the ultimate goal of the Glory of God (which at times includes happiness and at times does not).

Where am I going with all of this? The happiness I found over the weekend of visiting old friends and attending a wedding may contrast with the unhappiness I find in my current situation but pondering that leaves me no where. Dwelling on happiness or dwelling on sadness, leaves me with humanism instead of Christianity. When I turn my eyes from the horizontal to the vertical, and stop asking God simply to make me happy and start asking how I can bring Him Glory then I no longer betray the truth; I become liberated by it.

Monday

Monday has that particular skill of being able to erase my memory.

What did I do this past weekend? I feel the need to record it in some semi-permanent fashion. Monday has done its work. Perhaps I can undo it with a post.

A college friend called with a need to stay some place for the weekend while in Dallas. I gladly offered my spare bedroom. She came with her husband and two children: Makala is 2ish and Raquel is 6 months. They were adorable and I spent most of my time trying to keep them occupied so their parents could have a needed respite. My friends didn't really do anything while they were here. I think they just needed to get away. We went out to eat. That's about it. But the lingering effect was the amount of enjoyment I found in caring for the children. This threatens to ruin my claim of not liking them. I didn't even mind when Makala pooped in my tub while bathing. [yes, it was gross but equally funny]

In other news: I did a terrible dye job on my sister. Thankfully, Clairol red number 24 is not permanent. She had a vast diversity of color in her hair before the dye job, but somehow it all blended together nicely. Unfortunately, not all strands soaked up the foreign color equally. Note for future reference.

I was brushing my teeth, something I try to do with regularity given my not-so-distant past experiences with root canals [notice the pluralization], when something shiny comes flying out of my mouth and onto the counter. It was my crown. Huh. I got in June, lets see, that's, almost 6 months? WHAT THE HECK! I am suddenly disallusioned with my dentist with whom I had previously been quiet enamored. I don't really need the thing anyhow. I can chew just fine without it. And doesn't the Bible say that if some part of you is offensive to cast it out? I must be extremely spiritual. :-]

Monday, Teusday, Wednesday, Thursday...FRIDAY!
-never settle-

Nuances

When things are new, it takes time for their personality to show, the quirkyness and the nuances. This process is not a bursting one but a slow warming like temperatures from morning to noon. Here are some nuances to this life in Dallas:

I've discovered that my paltry cd collection is not enough to get me through a two hour commute every day. It takes a particular kind of music to soothe the agitation that grid-lock, smog, and rude drivers produce. My preliminary browsing of Amazon leaves me empty-handed. Suggestions are welcome.

My office has no window. My hallway has no light. With the days getting shorter, soon I will be in the dark. Literally. I'll enter my office while it is dark in the morning, I will exit my office when it is dark at night. I will have one hour of light a day, and during that hour,I will be consuming sustainance. I'm not sure how this makes me feel.

When I run after work, I run alone. My neighborhood, my subdivision, my state (I fear) is not filled with runners, or at least, not street runners. I have a sneaking suspicion they're all at the gym [who can blame them with their lack of St. Mary Street's?]

Due to the schedule of my sister and the shared bathroom dilemna, I'm now resigned to putting make-up on in my closet. Why do I always find myself giving up on bathroom priviledges? Its a weakness I've had since college. Further, when two poeple need the bathroom at the same time and one of them is showering, the solutions are few. I feel its one of those great mysteries of life.

Nuance, nuance.

Dichtomy

'We have alot of people running around talking about how they were saved [testimonies]. We're supposed to be telling others how to be saved [the gospel].'

This is a paraphrase of a sentence I recently heard in a sermon. It caused me to think for a bit and I understand what he's saying and I agree in principle, but something else bothers me about this.

The dichotomy.

I wish I could remember exactly what the man said because the way he put it was alot more dichotomous than I've represented. I remember thinking: its both, not an either/or. The Psalmist says over and over: I will declare what the Lord has done for me. Then I thought about the many either/or things that seem to be popping up in theology and Christian living and how dangerous it is.

The continual dichotomization of theological or practical principles seems to be a reaction to the overwhelming relativism in our culture. Like many trends in Christianity, it is sparked by a movement of falseness in the world around us. But a large majority of the either/or's I run into are false as well. You shoot yourself in the foot if, as a Christian, you combat falseness by creating more falseness. Those that respond to "everything is true" by viewing everything as black and white may feel better - but they miss the point of living what IS actually true.

-never settle-