salt

The pastor preached another powerful sermon on Sunday from I Samuel 17. He focused last week on how the servant's response to Saul's troubled spirit was worship. David came and played and the troubling Spirit left. I was reminded how little credit I give worship and how little I respond to trials with worship. This weak he focused on the verse where Saul's servant was describing David and the 7 attributes he used. David had a witness, even though he spent time in the pasture with the sheep, even though it says his father thought little of him, somehow, a servant of the king still knew his character and his skill. The pastor spoke about us being salt (which I've heard before) but he painted a picture more alive than I have ever thought of: salt makes people thirsty and the Bible describes us as salt and the Christ as living water. We are to have a witness that is salt to the earth, making people thirst for the Christ.

The dots connected between the gift of music God has given me, the benefit that worship is to the body of Christ, and the salt with which I am to flame the thirst of others. I realized that, far from prostituting my gift by sharing it, as I wrote about in a previous post, sharing is what He intends. Fear holds me back - fear that my weakness will corrupt the gift, fear of what others will think. If He has given me this salt and He has ordained that music should be so powerful, it is hidding my light under a bushel to play only when I'm alone.

One last thought: before church, Jason was talking about a conference he attended that was watery, weak, dry, platitudes, and how he wanted to jump up and proclaim the truth: "sometimes I think weak doctrine is worse than bad doctrine." Then he gave an excellent analogy [helped along by the Moses-like beard he sports ;-] of the Word. "The Bible says the Word is alive, piercing, sharper than a two edged sword, and we use it like a measly razor to shave and make ourselves look pretty."

Regret

It happens.

Monday

When Christ asks you to give something up for Him it's never easy and its rarely quick. But obedience always brings about the glory of the Lord and the presence of His Spirit. Sunday I visited a church and heard truth which refreshed me and encouraged my soul. It was pulled from I Samuel 16. The preacher talked about how David, after he was annointed king, was still content to be herding sheep according to his father's orders until Saul sent for him. The preacher contrasted the obedience of David with the disobedience of Saul and the result is in verse 14 where the Spirit of the Lord departing from Saul (a scary thing to think about and btw - I don't think this is a case of someone losing their salvation). A side note of his sermon was taken from verses 15 and 23 about how music was the answer to the depressing, evil, tormenting spirit that troubled Saul. Worship was the servant's answer to the oppression Saul faced. The power of, not just music, but worship as a response to our trials is something I forget.

So I pulled out my guitar Sunday afternoon and sang praises to God. While the phone calls flew around and my family faced this thing, I praised and He strengthened me for the act of obedience I face. I fear division in my close-nit clan of siblings, I fear losing someone dear to me. I fear God more, the greater fear disobedience.

In all, this weekend was a reprieve for me. I played two hours of ultimate fribsee in freezing rain Saturday morning. I was drenched, muddy, and numb but to be able to expend that much energy felt good, to push myself until I felt as physically exhausted as I had been mentally was actually nice; it restored some proportion to me :-]. Sunday evening, I had the pleasure of being escorted by an exceptional young man named Luke on a group valentine's day date. There were ten of us and we had a blast. Complete with flowers and a fancy resturant, the gentlemen were truly impressive [Plus, Luke gave me choclates :-]. It was a platonic event so don't get any ideas. Btw - did you know that a right-side up flower on a man's lapel means he's dating the woman he is escorting and an up-side down flower means he's not? I had not idea either. :-]

Praise the Lord for His everlasting love.

balance

My sister told those gathered around, "February is always hard month." She was referring to memories we both share, hard memories, but she's more right than she knows, for secret reasons I cannot yet share.

When hard things happen I struggle to find the balance in how I exist. The day after some news has shattered me is always surreal. Nothing around me has changed and everything inside me has. It happened Feb.27th when the social workers and police busted into our best friend's home and cartered their grandparents off to jail. It happened Feb. 2rd when Charlene was born and left on our doorstep. It happened Feb.24th when the phone call came that Paul had been injured in war. It happened this Saturday, Feb.9th, with what I cannot yet share.

I feel so accutely and I could debate whether this was a curse or a blessing until I'm blue, but the fact remains: right next to the joy in my soul is the pain which sometimes belongs to me and sometimes belongs to someone else but I carry it. The world can't handle all that is there and so the question "What parts do I let them see?" begs to be answered. I normally answer it with joy. Whatever spins around inside is always anchored by hope and joy. For this I am immensley grateful. But the awareness of my own self-reliant tendencies and how my one-man island is not the intention of my Creator always leads me to question if I shouldn't be more open and if so, then how and how far?

When friends ask how I am, in times like these, I often don't have an answer.

update

I work, go home, run, cook, clean, read, sleep - wake up and do it again the next day.

I've been playing piano more - visiting my parents home while they're out of town and utilizing the piano they have which I really wish I had :-] I'm contemplating recording some stuff for posterity sake. I'm not good enough to record it for any other reason. Besides, I often feel that I'm on the verge of prostituting the gift God's given me when I play for others. Its the love language between us and I have the hardest time sharing for the right reasons so I often don't share it at all.

I was thinking about that - the gifts God's given me - not just the ones I wish I had and have set about to procure, but the ones that come from deep inside me - created ones. And I realize that I am these things more than anything else: a believer, a woman, a writer, a pianist, and a traveler. There's peace that comes from knowing who you are beyond all the striving.

other words

"You and me could never hide
too busy walking out of stride
take one, two, three and four or five
people talking keeps us alive"

I played in a flag-football tournament this weekend and though we won :-] I'm really sore. Its been four years since I last played football. I miss it.

"If I could open my arms and span the length of the Isle of Manhatten
I'd bring it to where you are, making a lake of the East river and Hudson
If I could open my mouth, wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing and bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings."