My sister told those gathered around, "February is always hard month." She was referring to memories we both share, hard memories, but she's more right than she knows, for secret reasons I cannot yet share.
When hard things happen I struggle to find the balance in how I exist. The day after some news has shattered me is always surreal. Nothing around me has changed and everything inside me has. It happened Feb.27th when the social workers and police busted into our best friend's home and cartered their grandparents off to jail. It happened Feb. 2rd when Charlene was born and left on our doorstep. It happened Feb.24th when the phone call came that Paul had been injured in war. It happened this Saturday, Feb.9th, with what I cannot yet share.
I feel so accutely and I could debate whether this was a curse or a blessing until I'm blue, but the fact remains: right next to the joy in my soul is the pain which sometimes belongs to me and sometimes belongs to someone else but I carry it. The world can't handle all that is there and so the question "What parts do I let them see?" begs to be answered. I normally answer it with joy. Whatever spins around inside is always anchored by hope and joy. For this I am immensley grateful. But the awareness of my own self-reliant tendencies and how my one-man island is not the intention of my Creator always leads me to question if I shouldn't be more open and if so, then how and how far?
When friends ask how I am, in times like these, I often don't have an answer.
4 comments:
Sarah Jo, I've never met you (though I have met your sister). I randomly found your blog via someone else's blog. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that your posts are always very thoughtful. Sometimes I am lead to pray God's blessings on you when I read your blog.
Thainamu
p.s. It won't take long to figure out who I am. :-)
I remember, back in the old-school, Stoner telling me about one of his pet peeves. "People drive me nuts when they ask how you're doing, but just expect you to respond 'fine' or 'OK' and go on your way. If you ask how someone's doing, have the decency to stop and listen!"
I thought it was pretty funny at the time, but I also took it to heart. Always have a few good friends, with whom you can talk about anything and everything that bothers you. And above that, God knows your needs.
Sarah Jo, I'm praying for you.
You are quite mysterious, friend.
Trey and I are planning to come to his cousin's wedding in Dallas next weekend. Will you be around?
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