Tuesday 7:15 a.m.

That's when I was born, 28 years ago today.

Birthday's normally find me questioning my past and wondering about my future and feeling the all too familiar prone-to-wander wishes. But not this time. Hindsight normally assures me of God's provision and I always recognize that no future is certain; yet, this birthday I'm especially aware of both a purpose for everything I see back there and a direction that, for once, doesn't consist of one big question mark. My life is full of things I'd longed for but given up on. And God gave them to me anyway - not because I had reached some special place of perfection or some spiritual high, not because I finally pulled it all together or actually was able to read my Bible for some magical number of days. No, I'm just as foolish, weak, selfish, and crazy as ever. It is all simply His grace, poured out upon an always undeserving human being who finally took the time to look up and notice it.

Fluffy Friday

When it comes to bicycles, I've always wanted a bike with a basket :) All I can say is that this company has a fabulous marketing division!

no title part 2

I talked to Christina briefly and she helped me see that I am weary, overwhelmed and frustrated. I want to crawl into a hole and have everyone leave me alone but of course, there's much to do at work, restructuring, etc. and students to placate who are concerned about this or that. There is homework, there are commitments, there is life (groceries and cleaning and laundry). The weekend was wonderful and I enjoyed every minute of it but it did nothing to soothe the weariness that seeped into me from last week. I'm still tired and battle worn and frayed at the edges.

no title

I told Jill, as I decimated the kleenex in my hand, that I hated how death never goes away.

My boss suddenly died this morning. I am in shock. Last week, I saw them at a restaurant and they stopped by to say hi. Ginny gave me a hug :-]. I spoke with Dr. Hoehner yesterday about a couple of meetings and letters he had to sign. He left with that beaming smile on his face.

Death inevitably comes. I won't ever be able to escape it here. But not always:

Isaiah 25: 8-9
He will swallow up death for all time,
And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.
And it will be said in that day,
"Behold, this is our God for whom we have waited that He might save us This is the LORD for whom we have waited; Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

I have no idea what comes next. But the Lord is our salvation. And Dr. Hoehner knew that well.

response

An answer to my failure:
"Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners" I Timothy 1:5
Profound, simple, and deeply affecting.

and yet:
There's a yearning in my heart that I think is not meant to be satiated here on earth. I feel it tonight especially so.

Failure

I feel stuck in a rut of spiritual failure from which I can't escape. Most mature Christians, I think, would admit to times in life when they simply got tired of trying. I'm there.The sermon Sunday was on contentment and perserverance: two things I'm struggling with. It was very timely and yet, come Monday, Sunday is oft quickly forgotten. I need a second wind.

"We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity-like perfect charity-will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection." C.S. Lewis

-never settle-