you know you're in seminary when...

Am I a nerd because I enjoy reading Calvin's Institutes? :) Just listen to this rich language!

Hence, it is obvious, that in seeking God, the most direct path and the fittest method is, not to attempt with presumptuous curiosity to pry into His essence, which is rather to be adored than minutely discussed {seminary students should take note here}, but to contemplate Him in His works, by which He draws near, becomes familiar, and in a manner communicates Himself to us.

Like water gushing forth from a large and copious spring, immense crowds of gods have issued from the human mind, every man giving himself full license, and devising some peculiar form of divinity, to meet his own views.

And as Augustine expresses it, (in Psalm 144), since we are unable to comprehend Him, and are, as it were, overpowered by His greatness, our proper course is to contemplate His works, and so refresh ourselves with His goodness.

'I will sing of your mercies in the morning, I will remember your faithfulness in the night."

God is good. There is perhaps no greater truth than God is good, and perhaps no greater doubt which Satan throws upon us than that God is good.

God is good when life is taken and life is given. God is good when joy comes and sorrow comes. God is good in the midst of the unexpected and the long awaited for; God is good in the wonderful and the wretched. God is good in the unknown and the obvious; God is good in the frail and the strong. God is good in fear and in surety.

God is good and He alone deserves all the Glory, all our devotion, and our all trust.

~never settle~

sin

Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have an ugly side? No sin or self-ness to submit to God's squelching. I remember Christina giving me an analogy about the fondness of our own particular sin. This sin is like a little plant in a dark corner of our heart which we secretly water, not willing that it should die. We run around in the middle of the room sweeping it clean to present to God. Stumbling upon sin in it's evil ugliness there, we gasp and rip it out. But the plant, we steal softly to and caress, refusing to admit that if we pulled it out of the corner, it would be every bit as hideous as what we abhorred in the light.

My little plant is pride. It keeps me safe, that pride. I don't have to be weak or vulnerable because it makes sure that I never misperceive or react wrongly or do badly. It's a seemingly harmless plant on which I dote. In kindness, God thrusts the plant to the center and the rank poison of it is shockingly exposed.

Still, I cannot bring myself to rip out the hideous thing. I pathetically coddle it, strangely drawn to its preservation. It looks a little like myself.

Dear God, tear it from me for I cannot!

misty contemplation

The sky is overcast and the air is slowly moving towards a chill. Can I blame the weather for my contemplativeness? I do that often: blame the weather or the season. I've hit the middle of my first semester and I've hit the anniversary of my move to Texas; I'm listening to Derek Webb; I'm running off little sleep; I'm meeting lots of new people, both at school and elsewhere; I'm committing to a church. I'm having difficulty reigning in all my thoughts and feelings and focusing on the tasks in front of me. The danger of introspection (much like blogging) is self absorption. I can't avoid the next minute that is coming and I can't waste it trying to process everything that just came. I have to continue engaging those around me even while trying to figure out what is engaging me. Perhaps it's like mountain biking. There are times when you just run into a tree ;-] and it's a little disorienting, but the only way to get re-oriented is to keep riding.

I feel that this post is as jumbled as I am.

we come broken

In this world of seemingly endless transition, confusion, and inconstancy, to say of anything that you are confident, is monumental.

Phillipians 1:6 'For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.'

Hebrews 13:6 "so that we confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.'"

we come broken and we come undone

we come trying hard to love everyone

but we come up short in all that we do

because we do

so we come to you

-aaron tate/derek webb

unnecessary roughness, five yard penalty

I would like to be the type of person who lets things roll off her back. But sometimes, I just can't do it. There's enough evil and pain in the world that it always surprises me when someone would choose to take advantage of my strength by assaulting me with the reality of life (as if I weren't already acutely aware of it).

I know that I wrote awhile back that I longed for kindness and that is still true. I think it hurts me even more, though, when I think someone is kind and then they do something completely unclassy and jerky. I know no one is perfect and I wish I could be perfect in my response, knowing the right balance between forgiveness and a healthy "no way buster!". But I'm not, I'm confused and on the edge of being just as wrong in my response as they were in their assault. I received some unnecessary roughness tonight from a friend (not just mentally but physically) and it's made me more sad than I expected.

Christina's wedding

The last photo is of Christina's parents: they are very amazing!

I'm it.

I don't normally do tags but Kelly Hellmuth tagged me and she is special. :-]

The "rules" of the game are as follows:

1. Post the rules on your blog

2. Write 6 random things about yourself

3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post

4. If you're tagged, DO IT and pass on the tag

Six random things:

1. I have large feet (size 10) so all those cute pointy shoes that are in style are off limits. They add at least two more inches to the length of my actual foot!
2. I drink soda maybe three or four times a year. I just think the stuff is nasty and completely unheathly. Unfortunately/fortunately? I suspend this logic when it comes to coffee :-]
3. Sometimes I write long research papers about things I'm thinking about or am interested in knowing and not because I was assigned to. And no one ever reads them. Eventually, I sometimes even delete them.
4. I never polish my toe-nails and almost never my finger nails either. I just don't see the appeal. Plus it's too much work. Plus, polish on toe nails (at least on mine) seems a little gross.
5. I really want to learn to cook with wine. But wine is intimidating (especially those LONG aisles of every imaginable kind at the uppity kroger where I shop (they also have live music!)). I know very few people who drink wine (I don't even really drink it) and even fewer people that know how to cook with it.
6. Photography has always interested me and I love taking pictures of people. Unfortunately, I've never had a camera (once for a short time) and haven't had one in years. So I can't experiment or dabble - I have to be content to look at other's pictures and stay on the periphery of that artistic medium

There are not six people who reguarly read this blog (that I know of) and some of them wouldn't do a tag so this might be stretching it :-]. Hilary (or Trey - or both), Samantha, Eilidh, Caroline, Jill G., Randy.

living a monday

How do I live today?

Hebrews tells us: 'being content with what you have; for He Himself has said 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever leave you' so that we confidently say 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?'

For it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace

Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name.

Do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you

Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever.'

Surely, if God is powerful enough to raise Jesus from the dead, He is quite capable of working in me to make me pleasing. I can be content, gracious, sacrificing, praising, sharing, obeying, and submitting while being none of those things in and of myself. But even if I fall flat on my face today, I will still sing as the song goes:

You can have all this world, give me Jesus.

Girly

Interesting, isn't it, how much our focus has changed?

On a different note: I've been thinking recently about girliness and allowing myself to be as girly on the outside as I feel on the inside. I'm not sure if I just made up some external pressure to sucumb too or if it stems from a menagerie of real life exposure. My mom is a farm girl, my dad is a truck-drive, I have two older brothers, my sister is very non-girly, and I went to college with alot of boys. :-] I'm sure that none of this is an excuse for my lack of bravery when it comes to embracing bows and ribbons and flowers...etc. Perhaps it's my own intellect that beats down my girliness. I've been told that I seem very girly - afterall, I do write letter's and drink tea :-] but I know there's alot more inside that never gets let out. Beyond mere appearance, I think I let out strength more easily than I let out gentleness. Why do I stiffle it so much? Anyhow, that's what I've been thinking lately. I'll let you know if I suddenly start wearing more pink or squealing loudly. ;-]

The grace of God

I wish I could spend my posts crafting beautiful word pictures of life and sharing only joys and anecdotes but I'm too honest for that. Life is richer when the hues of both hardship and joy, pain and happiness, are mixed on it's canvas. And I would do a disservice to the grace of God in failing to show the awful depths into which it shines.

I wrote previously that I expected God to get me through this weekend. I wrote how alone I felt. Well, during those exact moments on the beach when my strength began to falter, God sent me a friend, an old friend from years ago, filled with a willingness I found slightly astonishing. Nonchalantly present during the toughest hours of my weekend, I doubt he knew how much God was using him to help me. But I was no longer alone and the emotions inside suddenly seemed more bearable. The body of Christ: you my readers, and you, my friend, were God's saving grace to me. I am so grateful.

~never settle~

what beckons my heart?

I debated whether to write. What would I say? Is it pointless or necessary? The journey I'm about to take is a lonely one but I'm not alone. Many people have gone this way and many more will go. I just don't know those poeple and they can't come with me.

When my older brother married, I experience the intrusion into the sacred four. Who was this girl? No longer could I see Alan and relate only to him, I now had to relate to Alan and Stephanie. It was a difficult transition at first, until I realized that Alan and Sarah were still the same: still siblings: still close. And the four of us were still okay, even with the addition.

Stephanie is gone now. It was a sad departure of her own choosing and though I wish she hadn't left, we've gone back to the four of us. Us against the world. We can do anything.

Now the intrusion doesn't just come from an ouside person but from an entire outside world. And I'm more afraid than ever of losing something that I love.

When I stand on the beach in California this weekend, I don't expect God to miraculously change their hearts. I don't expect to be comfortable at every moment or figure out how the heck I'm supposed to love graciously without betraying the truth or be the representative for a family far away (my own) or how, even, to preserve John and Sarah even though there's someone else now, someone I can't ignore (nor should I).

I only expect that God (and your prayers) will get me through.