Silence

Ironically, I've been sitting here looking at the blank posting space for 10 minutes. By writing about silence, I'm not being silent.

I've spent years blogging; being someone with something to say and raising my voice. Many topics I heard a lack of voice and so felt strongly about being heard. Other topics were unimportant but I declared them anyway. Now, I feel strongly about silence (perhaps as I get older).

So MANY voices are out there. And so many, like me, are speaking unimportant things. The effort to discern the important from the unimportant is so monumental it ceases to be worth it (and if nothing is worth finding then on some level it’s all unimportant). When I log onto fb and see uploaded pictures of their restaurant meals, ‘likes’ of favorite clothing stores, links to coupons or music groups or baby pictures, I scroll and scroll and don't care about any of it. {unless it's my nephew or a close friend - and then I do care and I care that they have healthy beautiful children, but other than that, I don't care} I click it close with disgust at the lack of meaning and then I wonder why I even had that expectation in the first place? Perhaps it’s because the meaning that used to infuse my relationships with them is no longer attached to the shell of their expression. I'm in disassociation shock.

Ironically again, I post such trivial things on my blog. But shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't fb be trivial and the meaningful things be on my blog? Now I think I'm digressing. Maybe I should sit back and stare at the blank space a little longer.

While I don't want to be a voice anymore, I don't really want more silence either. I want more meaning. But even if I contribute meaning (which is doubtful) I'm not satisfied that anyone will find it. And in the absence of meaning I'm not going to settle anymore for buckets of meaninglessness. I'll opt for the silence instead.