faith

I said a few words at a memorial Wednesday. The last time I did that was 2002 for Becca G. I visited Connie's home and we talked of Elizabeth's death. The last time I visited her was 2005 and we were speaking of Nancy's death.

There is no comparison. When you live through an event so different, so full, it takes awhile to find words that fit. I can't comprehend the loss of a spouse.

I didn't have a four year old look up at me and say, "My mommy died" and struggle to choke out the words "I know, honey."

He taught me something, that little boy. We talked of sadness and missing her in short sentences before things like playing and drinking distracted him. His life is shattered by the loss much more than mine but he doesn't cry. He doesn't blink. He solemnly addresses the matter and with all faith that life will be okay, he gets up and moves forward. It's not naivety, it's simplicity because he's right. His life will be drastically different but it will still continue. We adults can't stop the chaos inside that constantly screams - how can things go on? He taught me to remember the faith I once had. Though it comes harder now, it can be simple again. It needs to be simple again.

In the face of death, faith is the only way to keep living.