I wish I knew the answers to everything. I wish I could give away faith to those who seem to be losing it; I don't know why God choose me to be the recipient of His grace by filling me with faith. It hasn't been easy or pretty, but it's there: I believe. I know I've lost it at times and struggled to keep it, still, I can't help but think that its all so easy for me, who believes, to tell others they must simply believe. It reminds me of a verse in Job "Those who are at easy hold calamity in contempt." Why do I have faith? Why do I know beyond all the superfilious doubts, that I will never pledge my allegiance to anyone else and that no one else is deserving of it? And, why, oh why, can't I help others understand? If I could reach out and give my faith to those who have none - I would - but I guess that would make me God huh?
I do not strive to know all the answers. I do not strive to do His job. I am simply humbled in His presence and I have no other recourse but to trust. Still, I wish that I could give my faith away like I would my coat to someone who is cold or my sandwhich to someone who is hungry.
-never settle-
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I know. I know. I know.
I stood next to three men today who are lost. When I tell them I want to go off to graduate school to study the scriptures, they cannot understand. And I do everything I can to show them how to understand, what it means, and how it matters. But nothing seems to matter.
I struggle with Paul's words about finding himself accursed for the sake of his brethren. I hardly have faith: would I still give up that little for the sake of my coworkers? I'll fight and choke to eat at the restaurant of my choosing. How can I say that I'd sacrifice anything for these guys? May God forgive my selfishness and lack of faith.
May he drain it. And replace it with something more like himself.
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