Sometimes I don't realize that I've lost hope until I rediscover it. Sometimes I forget about a dream until it comes true and shines the light on doubt that took up residence in my heart. Sometimes I think that God only builds character by removing what I really want.
I remember having a series of walks and talks with Hilary (how I miss those!) about a weird idea that we can only expect bad things because (we deserve them) (being a Christian is hard) (getting what you want it selfish) (the dream is too far reaching or impossible) (we aren't actually capable of certain things and we're deluding ourselves to think we are - we need to make sure we live in reality). I see now that I was subscribing to those very ideas. Does living in reality mean never hoping?
Last year this time I thought "gee that would be awesome if Sara P. randomly went to medical school at Baylor and we could live together, but that's so far fetched, it'll never happen, it's too good to be true". The last three years I've been thinking, "Graduate school would be awesome, I would love it. It probably won't happen. There's no way I can afford it. I'm not smart enough to get into any good schools. I don't know what I want to get my degree in anyway. It's too good to be true." When Christina went to Central Asia two years ago I thought "I'm happy for her but I need to kill inside the expectation that we'll ever be able to be close like this again and have moments like we've had. It's impractical now. It'll never be the same. It was too good to last." Even when I applied to DTS, I refused to let my hopes rise in case I was rejected. For years these types of thoughts have been building a complex underground inside me.
God can't possibly build character or grow me by giving me good things that I hope for. What ridiculous underlying messages prop up doubt and throw out hope. I am an idiot.
3 comments:
How sad the propagation of the believe that the things for which we long are ignored by God. I remember a girl in my old Batts' Philosophy class who said she'd grown up hearing that one had better not want something (and especially not enjoy something), lest God take it away immediately.
But that's just simply not the case: God wants us to be happy. The trick is that our happiness is oftentimes built around our utter selfishness. God wants us to be happy, so he will give us himself and in his joy he will also give us the things that delight our hearts, though sometimes those things will turn out far different than we had anticipated.
Christ himself promoted God's desire to give us good gifts in the "stone and bread" lecture. But, truly, I find that I yearn for stones more... classy, sexy stones that would make me feel really wealthy at heart. And God gives me bread instead. There's something utterly gratifying in that.
Nathan! I agree with you but I'm going to add a qualifier. ;-) I hesitate to say "God wants us to be happy" because I hear is so many times used as an excuse (i.e. my husband and I are having problems and God would want me to be happy so I'm getting a divorce). You know this better than anyone I know - that God wants His glory. It does not follow that God's glory only comes from denial (which is a rather subtle suggestion that God's somehow holding out - not giving us the best for us), often, Glory to Him comes from gifts - like the gift of Himself. And your sentence about wanting the stones to be more (what the world looks like) is right on. We've got to stop defining "good" on our terms.
Good point.
Post a Comment